Maybe a little bit of me.

So. I am me. That is one thing I have realised I cannot run away from - no matter how hard I try. I am on a journey with God. This means that sometimes it involves a bumpy ride. Sometimes the ride is like a roller coaster - you feel excitement and adrenaline as you look at things happening in your life that are highly amusing because you know they wouldn't be possible without Him.

Over the past two or so years I have been, and continue to be on a journey on a seat on Gods roller coaster. I haven't always been a Christian, and I definitely haven't always wanted to do things God's way - which involves dying to myself a little bit more and choosing what may seem the hard route. During the last two years however, I have found myself being put in situations where I had to choose - am I serious about this 'following Jesus' thing, or do I just like the idea of turning up and seeing my friends each week with the potential of a few social dates in between (oh yes, and a daddy god who will help me out now and then). Don't get confused - this has happened in the past and I am very practiced at deciding to opt out of the God choice. But no matter how many times I tried this option, the results always led me to feel like I hadn't quite made it to the place I was meant to be and I was not reaching my full potential.I found myself in many different situations where I had a choice. I could defend God's church, which meant confrontation and that bumpy bit of ride which may result in a few injuries, or I could sit tight and watch someone else do it (or not - but God would have it covered wouldn't he??). Those of you who know me know that I am not someone who stays silent. Sometimes in fact I try very hard to stay silent - and still stuff comes out of my mouth. But with these situations it was different. At first I found it hard to even speak and often I would just be at home throughout the week crying what I believe we're Gods tears.  But as these different situations continued to occur and the more I defended God's church and those people he had chosen to lead for him, the easier I found it.  It seemed to come naturally and God gave me boldness and the words to say - far better than anything I could have thought myself.

In doing what I knew to be right, I ended up wounded - as with any battle. So I shut down. I was hurt. I was exhausted. Although I knew it to be right (to defend God's church), it took energy to make that choice - and that is the point. We always have a choice.So I shut down. I stopped. I became that island. I found it easier to do life on my own - just me and God. I spent a lot of time crying and feeling very alone. But I had decided it was safer, so I licked my wounds and carried on slightly numbed. The difference was, I was no longer heading towards reaching my full God given potential. Instead, I was fast heading in the opposite direction.

What I'm not about to say is that now everything is better and I've got it all sorted. That is not true. What I am going to say is that I have decided to continue to go on this God journey. I spend most of my time wondering if I am qualified to be used by God the way it seems he is doing. I find myself in meetings where people seem to think I should be there. I make most statements with the disclaimer that I probably don't know what I am talking about. But I do know one thing. I am better here than anywhere else in the world. God has got my back. I am His daughter and he wants to see me flourish. He does not want to see me stopped by fear. He wants to use me because I am just me - and that is what shifts people's focus onto this man called Jesus. My mini revelation today was that I have found myself in these situations since around the time my second son was born. We decided to name him Rock (from the meaning of Peter). God said he would build his church on Peter's revelation of who Jesus is (Matthew 16:18). So I guess that is why he is using people like me - all I have is a revelation of Jesus and that's all God needs.If I took the easy option, and left it to the next person to defend and be a voice and stand up for what I know to be true then what would I end up with? If I chose to avoid the greater plans he has for me that only come through a deeper relationship with him what would I end up with? If I allow fear to creep in and get louder and louder then what would I end up with? If I become that island and do life alone without relationship then what would I end up with? A letter from God when I'm 80 saying:


Dear Hannah,

Such a shame that you didn't trust me the whole way. Yes you lived that middle of the road 'Christian' lifestyle where you gave some money and said your prayers each week. But my goodness. Did I have some fun plans for you!!!!! We were going to do it together!! I wouldn't have let you down. I never have and I never will. You would have had some fab stories to tell when you got to heaven - and you might have brought a few more people with you. I'm not disappointed by you. I love you. But there is only one of you and I'm not in to making copies so it won't be quite the same. Yes I know sometimes it was hard. You felt alone - but you were never alone! I was always there. I also know that you were scared sometimes - but I wanted you to trust me more and I was refining you for greater things.

See you soon, God x

Ps. Hope you don't mind but all that cool stuff we talked about? Those dreams etc? Well I'm going to have to find someone else to do it all now - its just I still have all these people I want to know.

So today I stood in church and I wept. I wept until I had those blobby eyes that come from not caring anymore. And why did I weep? Because I knew that I was important. I am needed to build God's kingdom - and for a while I have been silenced and broken. But as I stood and wept, I realised that God has made me because he didn't have one of me. I am unique. I am one of a kind. When I am working for the King of Kings I am almost unstoppable. But the devil wants to take me out. The more I am FOR Gods kingdom, the more the devil is against me. Yet I need to choose to stand no matter what the cost because what is the alternative? It is to see the broken and do nothing. It is to remember the lonely and do nothing. It is to see the hurting and close your eyes. It is to have the hands to help and DO NOTHING. And I'm not a do nothing kind of girl. I'm here. For such a time as this. I'm an unqualified credibility all in God kind of girl who doesn't know where she is going but is doing it with God and trying to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Disclaimer: This was written by me. It may not make sense. But I think God told me to write it all down. So I have. It's not a theological masterpiece. It's a little piece of me. And it most definitely doesn't mean I am sorted. But if you don't know God, have a chat with Him and invite him into your world. It may just change your life forever.Sometimes though, the ride can seem rather dangerous and although you survive, you can end up with a few injuries along the way. The good thing about this is that God is a very, very good doctor. This doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it does mean that if you allow him, He will always heal. And in this process you become refined and stronger and more useful for Him.