Listen! It will only protect you....

The other day, I was flicking through what to watch on our computer. We don't have a T.V. and rely on iplayer / 4OD etc for anything that we do watch.  What this means is we have to make a choice about what we watch rather than just allowing the programmes to roll on and decide for us (this is what we found when we did have a T.V). So along the top banner of 4OD scrolls all of the most recent things that have been on for you to choose to watch easily. I noticed a documentary about about a subject that made me curious. I will not tell you what the programme was as I think it will only distract you from the point of this blog. When I saw the advert for it, I thought 'that's something I'd be interested in watching' and a little voice said "but it probably wouldn't be a very good idea would it?".  In the end, we watched what we were planning on watching - a programme about families with lots of children.

The next day, I was having a pyjama day. The kids were playing and I thought again about watching the documentary I had seen advertised the night before. Again there was a voice clearly telling me "that still wouldn't be a good idea". But I decided to start watching it anyway. Why? Because I am not a robot, I can make my own decisions, and sometimes they can be bad ones. So I sat on my bed and found it on my phone. But after a few minutes it cut out. So I pressed play again. Whilst it was buffering, that voice started speaking again: "I am trying my best to make this difficult for you to watch, but it really is up to you".  Here I have to admit, I was stupid again. I refreshed the screen and continued to watch for a further 10 mins (twice being interrupted by a small child calling me and loosing wi - fi connection again) until there was an advert break. Thank God for the advert break - literally. I turned it off. I got up.  I removed myself from the situation and went to play with my kids, thanking God that he really does love me.

I am an incredibly visual person. I can see images in my head clearly even if I have only seen the original image for a brief moment.  This can be a good thing and also a bad thing - depending on what the image is of.  Unfortunately, the world wants us to think that sexual images are a normal and healthy part of life and that although censorship exists, once an adult, it really doesn't matter what we see within the media. This is absolutely not true - and I will tell you why. The documentary that I was starting to watch contained some sexual images and even in the 15 minutes that I saw, they were able to get into my brain and pollute me. This idea goes against nearly every message our culture sends us. From perfume adverts to shop windows, sex is all around us, in our faces - whether we like it or not. Somehow, in all of this, we are expected to be able to raise men and women who have a respect and understanding of how they should treat and be treated by the opposite sex.

The God of the bible however, is a counter culture God. His son Jesus spent most of his life upsetting those people around him who were so consumed by culture they were unable to see the truth that would set them free. The voice telling me that watching the programme would be a bad idea was not some controlling God who wants to sit on His throne and stop people from having fun. He is in fact a Loving God who wants to see people safe and whole and protected from crap that tries to get in. He is the God who invented sex! He is the God who says to me:

"Hannah I love you. I don't want you to get images in your head that you will find hard to get rid of. I want your love life to get better and better the longer you have been married! Not how the world tells you - that it will get boring and eyes will wander! I don't want these images to get in the way of intimacy with your husband. I want this time to be amazing for you and your husband. I want you to only have eyes for each other! I whisper to you so you can know that I want the best for you - in EVERY situation."

I am not a robot. I can make my own choices - and it's easy to think that when you know something you learn and don't make the same mistake again. But I am human and God gives me grace! God wants to set us free from stuff that gets in the way of us being the most 'us' we can be. We weren't born to be some clone of society who ticks all of cultures boxes. Instead, a uniquely designed precious individual, that has never existed and never will exist again. With a loving God who has our back, who through relationship wants to see us more free than ever before. If we listen to Him, how therefore can we fail?! 

Fear.

So when I decided I needed to write a blog about fear, all I had were two things: the title; and what feels like a lot of fear. I expect that even reading this opening paragraph, if you are honest with yourself, you will not find it too difficult to think of at least one thing in your life that you struggle to do because of fear. 

The Glass Wall.

I have pretty much been thinking about fear for along time and thinking about the restrictions it puts on our lives on a daily basis. I could tell you in an instant all of the things that I cannot do because of fear in my life. Whether its from past events I can remember or past events that have shaped me without my knowing, at some point along my life journey so far, fear has got in. I am referring to fear as a thing because that's what I believe it is. I see it as a giant glass wall in my life that tries to restrict me from doing what I deep down want to do. On the surface I am very good at coming across as this sorted individual who knows where she's at - and that is true to some extent. But believe it or not, I too have a glass wall in my life called 'fear' which gets in the way of me. I refer to it as a 'glass wall' because although I can see through it, it's something I believe stands in the way of where I want to be.

Ladders.

The good thing about walls is that someone invented ladders - not just short little step ladders, but massive slot and slide ladders that can go sky high. I think we all have a metaphorical ladder (God) who can help us start defeating our fear walls and bring us a step closer to the place on the other side. I also like the idea that as when using an actual ladder, it helps to have someone on the ground (who you trust) holding the base and making sure it doesn't slip away. I think that when it comes to our fears, these people at the base of our God made ladder are those people who we do life with and trust to encourage us and support us through life's journey. They are also the people who we should listen to if our ladder slips out of place (if we decide we can do it our way and not God's way) and should give us a firm but loving push to turn us back to God ***(As a bit of a side note, if you are reading this and have no idea about God and who he is and you are currently doing life without him, please just read on a little bit further and get to the end of this blog).

Where Should We Look?

A lesson I have learnt the hard way is if we continually stare at our fear and dwell on the restrictions it places on us then God can never properly help us even start to climb that ladder and get over the glass wall of fear. If we focus our minds on all that stops us, then this will be our world. Equally, if we do what God has asked us to do, then our worlds will look very different:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." (Romans 12:1, 2 MSG)

I love this verse taken from The Message Bible. It explains pretty much exactly where I want to be. It tells us very clearly that we have to think about what we do from a God perspective NOT from our worldly perspective. The world is full of negativity, telling us all the things we don't have and can't yet do. It glorifies failure, plasters peoples faults all over magazines and sells anyone who dares to be different as a 'weirdo'. The world gives us massive spoonfuls of daily fear to worry about what people think - it is not good and it does NOT come from God. Instead, we need to focus our minds on Him:

"Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as [something done] for the Lord and not for men,  Knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [and not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [real] reward. [The One Whom] you are actually serving [is] the Lord Christ." (Colossians 3:23, 24 AMP)

How much less fear will be in our lives when we live every moment for a GOOD God who loves us and created us to work with him!

If you live a life without God at the moment, then you really are missing out. Imagine not having to worry about what that person at work thinks about you.

Or not caring that people laugh at you for being yourself.

Imagine not having to cover up or hide that side of you that is scared of rejection.

Or worrying about what you look like and if you fit in with what the world tells you you should look like.

Or having that niggle behind actions that you might get rejected. 

Might seem hard to imagine...

Might seem like a stupid idea...

But actually, there is a man who can change all of this. A man who walked the earth among men who hated him. A man who didn't care what people thought, or said, or did. He didn't get out of bed each day and worry. He didn't 'fit in' with what the world though he should be or worry about impressing the multitudes. His name is Jesus and he only listened to what his dad thought about him and guided him to do - and out of this came only GOOD. Not just a little bit cool good, but an almighty fat big totally excellent good. A good that HEALS, RESTORES and BRINGS JUSTICE. How cool is that? How much greater is that to aspire to than the world's idea of 'having a good job and lots of money and a nice house somewhere in...'.  The even GREATER thing about this is that WE can know that man. WE can have that fearless life. WE can stand confident in who WE are and who WE were made to be. 

And do you want to know how? Really?

Just ask the author and giver of life. The One who created you because He didn't have one of you. The God of the Heavens and the Earth. The One true LIVING God who is here, ready and waiting, just to be asked to be the CENTRE of your world. 

I leave you with this:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (ESV)

****Disclaimer: I do not have this totally sorted. In fact I don't know many people who do. But I have started climbing my ladder and I know that with God, you can too.....

Maybe a little bit of me.

So. I am me. That is one thing I have realised I cannot run away from - no matter how hard I try. I am on a journey with God. This means that sometimes it involves a bumpy ride. Sometimes the ride is like a roller coaster - you feel excitement and adrenaline as you look at things happening in your life that are highly amusing because you know they wouldn't be possible without Him.

Over the past two or so years I have been, and continue to be on a journey on a seat on Gods roller coaster. I haven't always been a Christian, and I definitely haven't always wanted to do things God's way - which involves dying to myself a little bit more and choosing what may seem the hard route. During the last two years however, I have found myself being put in situations where I had to choose - am I serious about this 'following Jesus' thing, or do I just like the idea of turning up and seeing my friends each week with the potential of a few social dates in between (oh yes, and a daddy god who will help me out now and then). Don't get confused - this has happened in the past and I am very practiced at deciding to opt out of the God choice. But no matter how many times I tried this option, the results always led me to feel like I hadn't quite made it to the place I was meant to be and I was not reaching my full potential.I found myself in many different situations where I had a choice. I could defend God's church, which meant confrontation and that bumpy bit of ride which may result in a few injuries, or I could sit tight and watch someone else do it (or not - but God would have it covered wouldn't he??). Those of you who know me know that I am not someone who stays silent. Sometimes in fact I try very hard to stay silent - and still stuff comes out of my mouth. But with these situations it was different. At first I found it hard to even speak and often I would just be at home throughout the week crying what I believe we're Gods tears.  But as these different situations continued to occur and the more I defended God's church and those people he had chosen to lead for him, the easier I found it.  It seemed to come naturally and God gave me boldness and the words to say - far better than anything I could have thought myself.

In doing what I knew to be right, I ended up wounded - as with any battle. So I shut down. I was hurt. I was exhausted. Although I knew it to be right (to defend God's church), it took energy to make that choice - and that is the point. We always have a choice.So I shut down. I stopped. I became that island. I found it easier to do life on my own - just me and God. I spent a lot of time crying and feeling very alone. But I had decided it was safer, so I licked my wounds and carried on slightly numbed. The difference was, I was no longer heading towards reaching my full God given potential. Instead, I was fast heading in the opposite direction.

What I'm not about to say is that now everything is better and I've got it all sorted. That is not true. What I am going to say is that I have decided to continue to go on this God journey. I spend most of my time wondering if I am qualified to be used by God the way it seems he is doing. I find myself in meetings where people seem to think I should be there. I make most statements with the disclaimer that I probably don't know what I am talking about. But I do know one thing. I am better here than anywhere else in the world. God has got my back. I am His daughter and he wants to see me flourish. He does not want to see me stopped by fear. He wants to use me because I am just me - and that is what shifts people's focus onto this man called Jesus. My mini revelation today was that I have found myself in these situations since around the time my second son was born. We decided to name him Rock (from the meaning of Peter). God said he would build his church on Peter's revelation of who Jesus is (Matthew 16:18). So I guess that is why he is using people like me - all I have is a revelation of Jesus and that's all God needs.If I took the easy option, and left it to the next person to defend and be a voice and stand up for what I know to be true then what would I end up with? If I chose to avoid the greater plans he has for me that only come through a deeper relationship with him what would I end up with? If I allow fear to creep in and get louder and louder then what would I end up with? If I become that island and do life alone without relationship then what would I end up with? A letter from God when I'm 80 saying:


Dear Hannah,

Such a shame that you didn't trust me the whole way. Yes you lived that middle of the road 'Christian' lifestyle where you gave some money and said your prayers each week. But my goodness. Did I have some fun plans for you!!!!! We were going to do it together!! I wouldn't have let you down. I never have and I never will. You would have had some fab stories to tell when you got to heaven - and you might have brought a few more people with you. I'm not disappointed by you. I love you. But there is only one of you and I'm not in to making copies so it won't be quite the same. Yes I know sometimes it was hard. You felt alone - but you were never alone! I was always there. I also know that you were scared sometimes - but I wanted you to trust me more and I was refining you for greater things.

See you soon, God x

Ps. Hope you don't mind but all that cool stuff we talked about? Those dreams etc? Well I'm going to have to find someone else to do it all now - its just I still have all these people I want to know.

So today I stood in church and I wept. I wept until I had those blobby eyes that come from not caring anymore. And why did I weep? Because I knew that I was important. I am needed to build God's kingdom - and for a while I have been silenced and broken. But as I stood and wept, I realised that God has made me because he didn't have one of me. I am unique. I am one of a kind. When I am working for the King of Kings I am almost unstoppable. But the devil wants to take me out. The more I am FOR Gods kingdom, the more the devil is against me. Yet I need to choose to stand no matter what the cost because what is the alternative? It is to see the broken and do nothing. It is to remember the lonely and do nothing. It is to see the hurting and close your eyes. It is to have the hands to help and DO NOTHING. And I'm not a do nothing kind of girl. I'm here. For such a time as this. I'm an unqualified credibility all in God kind of girl who doesn't know where she is going but is doing it with God and trying to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Disclaimer: This was written by me. It may not make sense. But I think God told me to write it all down. So I have. It's not a theological masterpiece. It's a little piece of me. And it most definitely doesn't mean I am sorted. But if you don't know God, have a chat with Him and invite him into your world. It may just change your life forever.Sometimes though, the ride can seem rather dangerous and although you survive, you can end up with a few injuries along the way. The good thing about this is that God is a very, very good doctor. This doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it does mean that if you allow him, He will always heal. And in this process you become refined and stronger and more useful for Him.